The Trouble with Gossip
Confession time: I am not the man of integrity I’d like to think I am. (Can’t you just imagine the fedora-wearing reporters running to the bank of phone booths call in that breaking story?)
Although there are a number of reasons for this variance between desirable traits and reality, one sticks out (at least today): I don’t always speak words of blessing. In fact, I speak blessing only about a tenth of the time I open my mouth. Another ten percent is inquiring about the soup of the day (we eat out way too often) and about 20 percent is telling my kids to pick up some item that is located in a place it shouldn’t be. The remaining 80 percent (I was never good at math) is spent complaining about something, criticizing someone, expressing frustration or yelling at a televised sporting event.
Of all the non-blessing things that come out of my mouth, I get most frustrated when I catch myself gossiping. I like to think of myself as someone who is trustworthy and can keep a confidence. I used to be very good about changing the subject or smiling and nodding politely when a conversation turned to rumor or speculation about someone I knew. But something happened as I got older – I started joining in. If someone speculated that John was not doing well in his job, I’d give 20 examples to validate it. If someone wanted to know why Suzy wasn’t in church, I’d point out how many times I saw her on Saturday afternoon televised sporting events wearing foam fingers and shouting into the camera.
How do I reconcile my self-image that I am a person of upstanding moral authority yet capable of piling on in a gossipy-conversation? I don’t. There’s really no excuse for it.
I do have a couple ideas why I do it, however. (I figure if I can’t stop it, at least try to explain it.)
One reason is that I seek the approval of men, not God. If I join in their conversations, I think, then I will be accepted as part of the crowd. Of course, Paul makes it clear in Galatians 1:10 that if I am still trying to please men, I am not serving Christ.
Another reason I participate in gossip is because it makes me feel better when I tear others down. Again, however, Paul has a response to that, in Philippians 2:3. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”
So I have plenty of reasons to do the right thing. Now I just need to do it.
My behavior finally got so bad that I decided to try some behavior modification techniques. I read about putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I caught myself gossiping. At first it was easy, because I didn’t even realize how often I was gossiping. But the longer I looked at the rubber band, the more I realized what was coming out of my mouth and the more I snapped.
Co-worker: “Did you hear about Jim?”
Me: “No, but I sure would like to!” (SNAP)
Co-worker: “It seems he messed up the O’Reilly account and failed to bill them for the last two months!”
Me: “Doesn’t surprise me! He can’t add any better than he can sell! (SNAP! SNAP!)
Co-worker: “I suppose it doesn’t help that he has had so much stress at home…”
Me: “Well, if he'd just admit he lost his driver's license and stop sneaking out to the bus stop, and if he stopped wearing that hairpiece and admit that he lost his hair a year ago, maybe he wouldn’t be so stressed! (SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!)
It took quite awhile, but eventually I saw real changes. Namely, I don’t have any more rubber bands in the house, and I’m wearing long-sleeved shirts until the welts heal.
But I am trying to read more of what Paul says… in small doses at a time.
How do you ensure that your words are a blessing to others?
Although there are a number of reasons for this variance between desirable traits and reality, one sticks out (at least today): I don’t always speak words of blessing. In fact, I speak blessing only about a tenth of the time I open my mouth. Another ten percent is inquiring about the soup of the day (we eat out way too often) and about 20 percent is telling my kids to pick up some item that is located in a place it shouldn’t be. The remaining 80 percent (I was never good at math) is spent complaining about something, criticizing someone, expressing frustration or yelling at a televised sporting event.
Of all the non-blessing things that come out of my mouth, I get most frustrated when I catch myself gossiping. I like to think of myself as someone who is trustworthy and can keep a confidence. I used to be very good about changing the subject or smiling and nodding politely when a conversation turned to rumor or speculation about someone I knew. But something happened as I got older – I started joining in. If someone speculated that John was not doing well in his job, I’d give 20 examples to validate it. If someone wanted to know why Suzy wasn’t in church, I’d point out how many times I saw her on Saturday afternoon televised sporting events wearing foam fingers and shouting into the camera.
How do I reconcile my self-image that I am a person of upstanding moral authority yet capable of piling on in a gossipy-conversation? I don’t. There’s really no excuse for it.
I do have a couple ideas why I do it, however. (I figure if I can’t stop it, at least try to explain it.)
One reason is that I seek the approval of men, not God. If I join in their conversations, I think, then I will be accepted as part of the crowd. Of course, Paul makes it clear in Galatians 1:10 that if I am still trying to please men, I am not serving Christ.
Another reason I participate in gossip is because it makes me feel better when I tear others down. Again, however, Paul has a response to that, in Philippians 2:3. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”
So I have plenty of reasons to do the right thing. Now I just need to do it.
My behavior finally got so bad that I decided to try some behavior modification techniques. I read about putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I caught myself gossiping. At first it was easy, because I didn’t even realize how often I was gossiping. But the longer I looked at the rubber band, the more I realized what was coming out of my mouth and the more I snapped.
Co-worker: “Did you hear about Jim?”
Me: “No, but I sure would like to!” (SNAP)
Co-worker: “It seems he messed up the O’Reilly account and failed to bill them for the last two months!”
Me: “Doesn’t surprise me! He can’t add any better than he can sell! (SNAP! SNAP!)
Co-worker: “I suppose it doesn’t help that he has had so much stress at home…”
Me: “Well, if he'd just admit he lost his driver's license and stop sneaking out to the bus stop, and if he stopped wearing that hairpiece and admit that he lost his hair a year ago, maybe he wouldn’t be so stressed! (SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!)
It took quite awhile, but eventually I saw real changes. Namely, I don’t have any more rubber bands in the house, and I’m wearing long-sleeved shirts until the welts heal.
But I am trying to read more of what Paul says… in small doses at a time.
How do you ensure that your words are a blessing to others?
posted by Tom Petersen at 9:21 PM
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